Cornell and the Cost of Staying Silent
The survivor of the Cornell rape was victimized by more than just the seven perpetrators. We should feel heartbroken for the pain and suffering the survivor has experienced and continues to experience. We should be outraged at the violence committed by the seven men in the room. And we should also be angry at all the other people who harmed her:
At the university officials who failed to keep her safe or appropriately respond to the rape. Sexual assault is an all-too-common experience for women on college campuses. 1 in 4 undergraduate women experience sexual assault during their college years.
At the district attorney’s office, which failed to fully investigate or charge the men. This lack of response is common, with only 19% of sexual assault cases being prosecuted and only 2–4% leading to conviction.
And at the other fraternity brothers in the group chat who saw the message or saw someone in danger and did nothing to intervene. They may not have been in the room that night, but they are guilty of harming this survivor.
She needed one man to stand up and say something that night, and not one of them did. They did not try to stop it, call campus police, or dial 911.
How can we be sure that the next time a frat brother or a young man sees his brothers, friends, or colleagues doing or saying something, he’ll be the one who intervenes?
It starts with talking to our sons and the young men in our lives. We cannot continue to put it all on girls and women to keep themselves safe. We must talk to the boys and men in our lives about how to be safe and what to do if another man is not.
Here are 3 things you can do today to encourage the young men in your life to be an active bystander:
Talk about consent. Talk about it early and often and in age-appropriate ways — well before you think sex is an option. Include that consent cannot be given by someone who is intoxicated or under the influence of a substance. Talk about the FRIES of consent (freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, specific).
Talk about how to intervene if you see or hear something. Talk about the harm caused by not intervening, the accountability to keep others safe, and the courage to stand up to peers. Talk to them about intervening both in cases of physical harm and when someone is being harassed, degraded, bullied, or spoken to in an inappropriate way. Teach them the 3 Ds of bystander intervention: direct (confront the person), distract (disrupt the situation), delegate (call the authorities or a trusted person). And don’t just tell them — help them practice it.
Talk to them about your experiences. Tell them about times when you’ve had to stand up OR times when you wish you had stood up for someone. Tell them about what it cost you and how you found the courage to do it anyway. And don’t just talk — do! Demonstrate being an active bystander in your life: call out the colleague or family member who makes a sexist joke, stand up to people in your life who suggest a survivor of rape was “asking for it,” and think through your behaviors and what they say about consent and relationships!
This is the work that PAVE does each day in middle and high school classrooms and locker rooms. Talking to young people about consent, boundaries, healthy relationships, and types of abuse. Talking directly to young men about accepting their relational parts because loving yourself is critical to healthy relationships. We’ll continue talking to young men about this and emotional regulation, healthy relationships and consent, and how to embrace a healthier masculinity.
But this work goes beyond the classrooms that PAVE is in, and it takes all of us to grow the young men who will intervene and step up. In each home, school, workplace, and community, we must continue to stop excusing this behavior and start holding people accountable.
Will you join us?
